Mother Fail

Do you ever have one of those days, when the day is done and you feel like you've- failed? I'm not talking about "Oh I didn't get my DIY napkin ring project up on Pinterest today" -failed or "I didnt make artisan bread from scratch for dinner"- failed, (FYI if that is you, I hate/envy you). I'm talking my family had cold pizza for dinner- failed. I'm talking my house is starting to look like its own little shantytown- failed. I'm talking we had another World War III explosion during bedtime and traumatized my kids-failed. I'm talking I am so dead tired out of my mind and there's a million things left to do with very little done- failed.

What is it about motherhood where some days you like feel like you can climb Mount Everest because you made a healthy meal for dinner that everyone enjoyed and got to spend good educational quality time with your 3 year old reading books, sight words, played fun games, and ended the day with hugs and kisses. Days where you feel like you were born to be a mother...

And then sure enough you have those days when the complete opposite is the case. When you've had days where you reach the Mount Everest of motherhood, the higher you climb the harder you fail.

I had one such day last week. I've been juggling a part-time job writing business plans, helping our my husband with church and with all the things to do for the month of November, it has been crazy busy.

I made a dinner that was suppose to taste like something my mother used to make but instead it tasted more like something that was trying to taste like something edible but wasn't. Needless to say they ate it (bc they had no choice) but no one liked it. Even my 1 and 1/2 year old daughter that eats anything you place within a 1 inch radius of her mouth, was looking at me like "Can I have real food now?"

We went through the whole bedtime routine and of course it was a complete disaster replete with screaming crying and kicking. What is it about the bedtime routine that incites the monster in us? Seriously, it is as if our sanity is clawing its way to the finish line (when the kids go to sleep), the bright burning candle of our patience is down to its last drop of wicker, and soon to be snuffed out and all the repressed frustrations of the day run wild in the darkness that is the bedtime routine.

We finally get the kids to bed and the house is in shambles, the plan I was suppose to have emailed is non existent because I haven't started and at this point I'm scared to open my laptop, the many things I was suppose to have prepared for the next day are left undone. I open my laptop, the house is dark, the light on the screen is glaring in my face, and I feel like I failed.

"Failure you're name is motherhood"-Jen Hatmaker

Maybe this feeling of failure is because we all carry around our own picture of what motherhood should look like. We carry these idealizes notions of motherhood so when it doesn't look a certain way we feel like we've failed...maybe it's because motherhood is a standard these days. Or maybe it's because it's that instinctive desire to give our kids the very best we can offer and when we fall short we feel guilty. In not so sure but lately I've been having those days.

In these moments I think about my mother. She certainly fell short in some areas compared to granola mothers, or the Pinterest type mothers of today. Though I doubt she ever felt this way. If she did, I never ever saw her express it in her words or actions. I think she is proud of what she did and how she raised us. When I think about it, despite her major daechoong-ness, she has every right to be proud. She did the best she could with what she had. She never let outside voices determine what was best for her kids or let the "standard" of the day make her feel less. I remember that and know I can learn from it. I can only try my best each day.

Its a huge comfort each time I feel like I fail, that tomorrow is another day. That my kids are still young and while I am in this life-is-a-blur-phase with two young kids, I want to enjoy each day and each moment while I have it. That tomorrow I'll try to get that recipe right, I'll get more things done, I'll be more patient at bedtime. I'm grateful I can take it one day at a time till they grow up and grow out. I hope I can look back and proud, like my mother, that I did what I could with the blessings given to me.

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Kaitlyn and daddy. Shes such a daddy's girl, cant compete. Christmas event at the mall pics. Hawaii seems to skip thanksgiving...

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